"Fandango!" by ZZ Top (1975)

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Fun Fact: Alphabetically, this is the last LP in my collection.

Obvious Filler & Swings-and-Misses:
Mexican Blackbird.  Here's a quote from Mexican Blackbird: "They all call her puta 'cause no one really knows her name."  I can't believe I'm saying this about a ZZ Top song, but on their live cover of Jailhouse Rock, the delivery is just too subdued and clean.

Key Tracks:
On the flipside, Backdoor Medley is a nasty soul-punk-scat fusion.  Blue Jean Blues is great slow blues.  Heard It on the X is The Top doing what they do best.  And Tush.  Yeah, I'm absolutely going with Tush as a key track.  Deal with it.

My Overall Rating of the Tracks Separately:
Recommended Listening (3/4 stars)

This LP falls into a category that crops up way more often than you'd expect.    Side one is live.  The liner notes indicate that it was "captured as it came down - hot, spontaneous - and presented to you honestly, without the assistance of studio gimmicks.  There are three songs on side one, but it's clear that it's all about Backdoor Medley which occupies two-thirds of the side.  And it has exactly the feel you want from a live track.

Side two was done with the assistance of studio gimmicks (in a studio no less) and... presented to you dishonestly I guess.  Interestingly, there's a good bit of variety (by ZZ Top standards) among the six tracks on side two.

Like I said, this one-side-live, one-side-studio LP happens on a relatively common basis - or used to, anyway.  I have seen everyone from Taj Mahal to Guns 'n Roses do it.  I don't know if it's "we wanna do a live album, but we need a new single," or if it's "we've been in the studio forever, but we only have half a record."  Either way, it seems a little dubious to me.

In the interest of full disclosure, I do feel obligated to point out that "Fandango!" was released before (A) Kiss demonstrated the proper way to do a live studio album with "Alive" and (B) the notion of the EP was really out there.  In the interest of more disclore, "G'N'R Lies" was not - that was just a cash grab.

So, is it an album?  No.  Like "Saddle Tramp," there are a lot of great tunes but nothing to stitch them together.

Up next, more T for Texas with "Exit 0" by Steve Earle.  Steve Earle!

"Saddle Tramp" by Charlie Daniels Band (1976)

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Editorial Note: The vinyl version doesn't have any text on the cover.

Fun Fact: As soon as I saw the cover art on this LP, I knew I was going to buy it before I even read who the artist was.  I'm pretty sure that dude on the front is one of my uncles.

Filed Between: Rodney Crowell and The Dave Clark Five.

Key Tracks:
Like last time, it's hard to choose - but for different reasons.  All seven songs have merit in their own way.  Cumberland Mountain Number Nine is my favorite track on the LP, and it's straight-up newgrass - complete with fiddle break and all.  (It's Charilie Daniels, so you know there has to be a fiddle break somewhere.)  And we'll go with It's My Life, just so I can put some good Chicago-style blues in there.  And to round it out, let's throw in Sweetwater Texas  as an archetype for a great country song.

My Overall Rating of the Tracks Separately:
Highly Recommended (3.5/4 stars)

This entry gives me the chance to proclaim that the seventies are the greatest decade ever when it comes to popular music.  The seventies spawned both Stairway to Heaven and disco.  Don't worry, that's not my entire argument...  It was a time when they had the toolbox of possibilities discovered by the sixties at their disposal, but it was also a time before the calculated commercialism of the eighties.  The seventies were a time (musically and spiritually) when the world seemed captivated with the notion of let's keep playing and see where this goes - especially on the airwaves.

The song Saddle Tramp proves this out.  It should be a three and a half minute country song.  Had it been written a decade earlier or later, it would've been.  But it's absolutely a seventies' song, so it ends up being an eleven minute Southern rock odyssey.  (I'm amazed at just how many songs fall into that specific category...)  Sure, it had happened every now and then before, but the seventies are where you look when you want to find very long instrumental sections in pop music that don't involve the terms "jam band" or "LSD."

So, is it Outlaw Country or Southern Rock?  The answer is yes.  Truth is, the only difference between the two are the record company and the marketing.  Honestly, if you're a big fan of Skynyrd, you're also a big fan of Waylon.  (I do not mention Johnny Cash here because I assume everyone is a fan of Johnny Cash.)

So, is it an album?  No.  Wait, what?!  "Saddle Tramp" is full of great songs and I loved listening to it again. 
Unfortunately, the songs don't really gel in context with each other - just look at all the genres mentioned in the "Key Tracks" section.

Up next, it looks like the South's gonna do it again with "Fandango" by ZZ Top.

"Don't Shoot Me, I'm Only the Piano Player" by Elton John (1973)

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Filed Between: Billy Joel and George Jones (I'm not hyperlinking those because I assume everybody knows who those two artists are.)

Key Tracks:
Well, none of the songs on this release are great.  Daniel and Crocodile Rock are considered staples I guess, but I've never been really impressed with Daniel's schticky seventies Mellotron and obtuse lyrics, and I think I have heard Crocodile Rock about fifty times too many at this point.  If I have to pick one, I'm gonna go with Midnight Creeper not because it's particularly good - quite the opposite - because it's representative of something Elton John does on a lot of tracks, he and his band play it as though it were a much better song.  It feels bigger and fuller than it really is.

Obvious Filler & Swings-and-Misses:
Blues for Baby and Me just plain wears me out.  It's tedious, dull and the longest track on the LP.  Texan Love Song just plain pisses me off.  You can't get away with such broad stereotypes and sweeping caricatures unless you come from the demographig you're railing at.  Look at the title again and you'll see that they don't.

My Overall Rating of the Tracks Seperately:
Average (2/4 stars)

Two words kept repeating themselves as my mind wandered while listening to "Don't Shoot Me..." - "between" and "waiting."  This LP came in between the two most significant moments in Elton's early career - his first big hit (Rocket Man) and his explosion into superstardom ("Goodbye Yellow Brick Road").  And this record very much feels like a waystation.  We know what he can do, we want to see him put it together for a sustained duration, and he wants to make that happen for us.  It's apparent that's what he's desperately trying to do here, but it needed just a little longer to simmer.

And it's not for lack of trying.  As noted above, Elton and the musicians do their level best to elevate the material and deliver something amazing.  I blame Bernie Taupin.  "Don't Shoot Me..." lays out a very clear case that Elton John trumps Bernie Taupin.  It makes a damn good case that producer Gus Dudgeon trumps Bernie Taupin.  I'll be honest.  I've never gotten the Cult of Taupin.  I don't think his lyrics are anything particularly special the majority of the time.  Cultists indicate that he writes vignettes - little slices of life that are poignant and kaleidoscopic in nature.  Let's reserve that kind of talk for Springsteen, okay?  I don't think his lyrics even qualify as vignettes, they're more like flashes. Taupin gets a helluva lot of mileage out of the variety of topics he chooses to write about, but that's an easy thing to do when the vast majority of his songs consist of just two mini-verses and a chorus.

And "Don't Shoot Me..." provides what I think is the most damning evidence to prove this.  Pop quiz: what's the first line that comes to mind when you think of Crocodile Rock?  I'll wager five dollers that I know what it is - "Laaaaaaaaa, la la la la la!"  Even if that wasn't what popped into your head, I guarantee it's what's stuck there now.  Brilliant lyricism indeed...

So, is it an album?  No.  This is always a tricky question with Sir Elton, especially in the Bernie years, because the lyrics are all over the map.  Like I said, he and the boys try their best to hold it together, but it's just too disjointed and disparate to qualify as an album.

Up next, the outlaw country or southern rock dispute kicks dust on its own Yosemite Sam mudflaps with "Saddle Tramp" by The Charlie Daniels Band.

"Summertime Dream" by Gordon Lightfoot (1976)

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Fun Fact: The title track made me want to revisit "A Mighty Wind."

Filed Between: Liberace and Lil John (Yay-ah!)

Key Tracks:
As noted in "High Fidelity," The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald is one of the top five songs about death.  I'd Do It Again is an unexpected fun, catchy romp.

Obvious Filler & Swings-and-Misses:
I'm Not Supposed to Care and Spanish Moss - both lovelorn songs.  We will discuss further momentarily...

Gordon Lightfoot fits perfectly into what I call the "John Denver Effect" - so called because John Denver more or less created it and did it better than anybody.  It's a very unusual phenomenon - both mystifying and infuriating - like the Aurora Borealis or an ice cream headache.  This scenario happens when you get artists who are folk singers at heart, but write such catchy songs that they cross over into pop and/or country.  NOTE: Neither Jim Croce nor John Prine are included in this scenario, as Croce was a bluesman at heart and Prine is whatever-the-hell-Prine-is at heart.

Like Denver, Lightfoot could write amazing songs; he could also write incredibly maudlin, toothless songs.  The latter are the fodder many use to devalue the artist as a whole.  And that's sad because it's only one side and it's not the good side.  I noticed somehing while listening to "Summertime Dream" that I think applies to everyone who falls into this category - the love songs and lovelorn songs are the ones that make the gag reflex kick in; songs about pretty much any other topic tend to work well.

And the difference is quite amazing.  Let's look at two sets of lyrics from two songs on "Summertime Dream."  EXHIBIT A: "The wind in the wires made a tattletale sound and a wave broke over the railing and every man knew as the captain did too - t'was the witch of November come stealin'."  That line was taken from The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald, a song most definitely NOT about love.  Now let's check out a line from a love song, Spanish Moss.  EXHIBIT B: "I like you more than half as much as I love your Spanish moss."  You be the judge.  By the way, I don't think it was intentional (I really, REALLY hope it wasn't), but the lyrics to Spanish Moss come across like they're about pubic hair.  Here's another line from it: "Spanish moss hanging down, lofty as the sycamore you've found."  Again, you be the judge.

So, is it an album?  Yes.  The quality of the songs varies wildly, but the sound and the vision are consistent.  However, I do think this could have been a great theme album if Gord had ditched the cheesy love songs and focused on the very dark maritime motif he threaded through several of the tracks.

Up next, "Don't Shoot Me, I'm Only the Piano Player" by Elton John.

"On Tour" by Herman's Hermits (1965)

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Filed Between: The Heavy Metal soundtrack and John Hiatt

Obtained Via: Wholesale purchase of somebody's record collection.  Contents - one milk crate holding an eerie volume of Jimmy Swaggart and Dean Martin.

Key Tracks: Silhouettes still holds up in a timeless way.  Traveling Light is a rare example of pop-does-country done right.  Their version of I'm Henry VIII, I Am has always been my favorite.

Obvious Filler & Swings-and-Misses: And their version of The End of the World has always been my least favorite.  Along those lines, I bet I would like HH's For Your Love a lot better if there wasn't that iconic Yardbirds' version out there, ruining the fun for everybody else.

My Overall Rating of the Tracks Separately:
Above Average (2.5/4 stars)

Herman's Hermits tie with The Dave Clark Five for the heaviest riders of The Beatles' coattails.  On "On Tour," they're not even trying to hide it.  Don't Try to Hurt Me blatently mimics Paul's vocals, John's lyrics and George's guitar sound.  In fact, they actually go so far as to use the term "Hermitmania" in the liner notes.

But it's still a fair amount of fun.  When I was young, my parents played The Hermits just as much as they spun The Monkees and The Beatles.  [GASP! say the hipster music fans.]

And when you're little you don't recognize the difference between originator and imitator.  You don't even think about it.  Truth is, you wouldn't care even if you did.  When you're little, you're just keying in on sounds that grab your attention and make your rump shake.  And (if it hooks you like it did me) then you will spend the rest of your life seeking out more and more music that elicits the pure, uncultured joy of being a child.

So, is it an album?  No.  In true mid-sixties fashion, it's mostly composed of tracks that had already been released on single-play 45s (so most definitely NOT live).  Unfortunately, bubblegum by itself isn't sticky enough to bind these songs into an album.

Up next, "Summertime Dream" by Gordon Lightfoot and the best song ever about a shipwreck.

"Here, My Dear" by Marvin Gaye (1978)

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Fun Fact: In true double LP, form the music sprawls across several genres.

As previously stated in the Ground Rules, double LPs tend to play by their own rules and are evaluated a little
differently.  So, let's take a look at each side one at a time.

SIDE ONE:
My Overall Rating of the Tracks Separately: Highly Recommended (3.5/4 stars)

Plays Like: a mini-chronology of both Marvin's musical career and relationship.  The first two tracks are pure sixties Motown.  Then we get a song that I would still classify as soul, even if it does have a seventies' sensibility.  And then we get funk crossbred with that classic anthemic Marvin Gaye when he has something very heavy on his mind.  The lyrics don't pull any punches - it's clear what's up right out of the gate.  Overall, it serves as a great intro the record.

Key Track: It's pretty much a toss-up between I Met a Little Girl and Anger.  If I have to pick one, it's gotta be Anger.  (Pay close attention, I'm gonna gravitate toward the funk today.)

SIDE TWO:
My Overall Rating of the Tracks Separately: Recommended Listening (3/4 stars)

Plays Like: more of the same, only a little more progressive in the sound and in exactly the same headspace lyrically.  First we get funk, then soul, then funky soul.  There are nuances here (like the Beatles-esque French horn on Everybody Needs Love) that didn't pop up on Side One.

Key Track: Is That Enough because it grooves.  Hard.  Like several tracks on "Here, My Dear," it's a great jammy escape.  As opposed to...

SIDE THREE:
My Overall Rating of the Tracks Separately: Average (2/4 stars)

Plays Like: smooth jazz.  You may argue that Is That Enough is jazzy.  Maybe so, but it's not on the same level as anything on Side Three.  Granted, there's nothing at all wrong with smooth jazz.  It's just not really my thing unless it's John Coltrane.  From a technical standpoint, they're great musicians.  However, I think Side Three could have been left off altogether and "Here, My Dear" wouldn't have suffered at all.  Do you know the difference between a boring jazz song and an annoying punk song?  Usually about seven minutes.

Key Track: Personally, none.  Instead, give a listen to I Met a Little Girl from Side One.

SIDE FOUR:
My Overall Rating of the Tracks Separately: Recommended Listening (3/4 stars)

Plays Like: space funk.  What a great way to close out!  We get some of the most hardcore funk Gaye ever did at the end of this album.  And we get unabashed hope on an otherwise hopeless release.  And we finally get that song that's been threatening to materialize over the course of four sides now - the funk/jazz/soul fusion song.  And actually, it's pretty good.  I wouldn't have called that.  Basically, Side Four is exactly what you would expect to hear from late-seventies era Marvin Gaye.

Key Track: A Funky Space Reincarnation.  How do you not love that song based on the title alone?  And it delivers exactly what it promises - funk, space and reincarnation are all prominent in the track.

So, is it an album?  Yes.  Matter of fact, it's not just a double album - it meets the regular album criteria I've talked about before.  Matter of fact, it's actually a theme album.  And the theme is inscribed right there on the back cover - pain and divorce.  Even though Side Three isn't my kind of music, it still fits in with the overall theme.  And the music is always interesting (apart from Side Three), the lyrics are always brutally honest and the vocals are always a silky raw nerve. 

Up next, "Herman's Hermits on Tour."  Sadly, I'm not sure if these are live recordings or not.  Only one way to find out...

"Montana Cafe" by Hank Williams, Jr. (1986)

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Filed between: Hank Williams (duh) and Edgar Winter

My Overall Rating of the Tracks Separately:
Average (2/4 stars)
[Editor's Note: The rating is only this high because of the strength of two tracks.]

Guest Artists:
On vocals, Willie Nelson (makes sense), Reba McEntire (okay), Tom Petty (well, I guess he IS from the South) and Huey Lewis (wait, what?).
On guitar, the legendary Dickie Betts - but you'd never know it.
On autoharp, June Carter Cash.

I think I'm gonna have to go through this mess one track at a time...

Side One is eighties Hank.  Eighties Hank is easily my least favorite Hank, except for right-wing nutjob Hank.  Eighties Hank is like all eighties country; it's slicker, cleaner and a little more precise.  It's a homogenized, processed product - you know, like American cheese.  Matter of fact, I think that's what I will call eighties country music from now on.

Even so, "Montana Cafe" starts out strong with Country State of Mind.  This is more a key track for defining the Bocephus sound than it is a key track for this particular album.

Up next is the title track.  I would call Montana Cafe obvious filler, but it's the bleeping title track.  So, it makes me think Junior was legitimately trying on this one, so I'll have to call it a monumental swing-and-a-miss.

And then it goes to shit - literally - with lines about being crapped on by pigeons, all the while fiddles two-step to the beat.  [Sigh.]  This is why some people hate country music out of pocket.

Then we get, "hey, let's write a sad ballad about how lost love is like New Coke!"  I wish I was making that up.  When Something Is Good (Why Does It Change) is one hundred percent NOT Are the Good Times Really Over.  There are few simple, sacred rules in country music - one of the most fundamental being "thou shalt not try to improve on Haggard."

Side one gasps out with bland ragtime and vocals that make you wonder if Junior had a stroke.

Side two is blues Hank.  Blues Hank has always been my favorite.

You Can't Judge a Book  by Looking at the Cover proves that you can't go wrong with a Bo Diddley cover.  Of course, Huey Lewis' vocals and harmonica own anything that Hank brings to this particular party.

My Name Is Bocephus is not nearly as good as you country fans will insist that it is.  Hello again, Mister Nostalgia Filter.

Oh my God.  Somebody decided it was a good idea to combine an authentic polka band (tuba and all) with cheesy eighties synths on a song called Fat Friends about how the obese keep Bocephus from scoring.

To close, Junior just sucks every ounce of life out of one of his dad's best songs.  And once again, the Bocephus delivery is eclipsed by his guest (Petty).

So, is it an album?  No.  Overall, it's just a waste of talent, good production and our time.  I'll take seventies Hank over eighties Hank any day.

Up next, Marvin Gaye's ode to divorce and our first studio double LP - "Here, My Dear."

"Rock Me Baby" by David Cassidy (1973)

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Fun Fact: I think this wins the award for the most pretentious cover coupled with the most vacuous material.

Filed Between: Rosanne Cash and The Chambers Brothers

Obtained Via: Chicken Coop!

My Overall Rating of the Tracks Separately:
Don't bother.  Seriously, don't bother.

I'm not gonna lie.  I listened to "Master of Reality" instead of playing this thing for a second time.  And I'm glad I did because "Rock Me Baby" has no merit - it never even attempts or pretends to.  It's just a cash-in on a name.

This LP fills a very unique niche.  It represents people who are often famous solely because they are popular and popular only because they are famous.  Granted, David Cassidy already had a hit TV show, but let's be honest - his role was an attractive teen idol singing sensation.  Big stretch there.  I have watched this sleight of hand act play out at least fifty times and I still can't figure it out.

It starts with the individual who has somehow tapped into the vernacular of the here and now.  This person usually has no apparent skills or marketable product and really has no right whatsoever for being of note.  So the Hollywood spin doctors fill that vacuum by creating a product specifically to represent what somebody can do - who would be of no interest whatsoever otherwise.  I call this phenomenon "micro-pop" because it doesn't even follow the regular tropes of pop music; it's totally a get-it-while-the-getting-is-good-and-don't-let-the-door-hit-you-on-the-way-out mentality.  Micro-pop is the ultimate unadulterated, unapologetic cash-in.

Case in point, when's the last time you heard Stars Are Blind by Paris Hilton?  Had you forgotten that song even existed?  How many times do you expect you'll ever hear it again?  And it's actually not a bad pop song.  But it's micro-pop.

It served its purpose and made it money, and then was lost to the annals of time - unless it happens to get left in a chicken coop for almost forty years, only to be rediscovered by a guy with a random number generator who has to write about it for his blog.  But otherwise, it's that whole "lost to the annals of time" thing.

So, is it an album?  Seriously?!  No, it sooooo isn't.

Up next, "Montana Cafe" by Hank Williams Jr.